Jul 31 2012

Tuesday 31 July 2012: Green Door.

Through this door in the hedge lies a mystical world. A world where unicorns prance through vast meadows of wild flowers. Where goblins live in peace beside men, sharing ale and beans on toast. Where nachos are available 24hrs a day with just a snap of the fingers. And where Dr Brian Cox is as thick as a plank of wood.

you: have you been mixing medicines again?
me: seems that way.
you: you cannot still be ill?!
me: man I feel as bad as ever. My head feels like it’s full of mush
you: and what’s wrong with you exactly?
me: I just told you, my head feels like it’s full of mush
you: oh, I just thought you were stating the normal state of play.

Jul 30 2012

Monday 30 July 2012: Carnation at the back door….

…because that’s as far as I made it today.

A bit more colour in Ghengis’ cheeks today, so it I think that maybe means she is on the mend.

A bit more colour in my snot today. No idea what that that means.

you: you’ve got a cold. Stop being such a whining baby.
me: it’s not just a cold.
you: well what is it then?
me: I think my colds must be some sort of super bug
you: oh yeah, of course. Why didn’t I think of that.
me: well I’m normally pretty fit and healthy
you: ….I’m going to assume you meant to say "fairly fit and healthy", because pretty you are not……
me: so it must take some sort of ninja strain of cold to take me out, and when it does it totally wipes me out. Just like it did on the snowboarding trip.
you: or alternatively you are a big whiny baby. And that’s the last I’ll hear on the matter.

Jul 29 2012

Sunday 29 July 2012: Look both ways

you: just me here tonight. He’s still away……
you 2000: hey man.
you: woah, dude, where have you been? It’s ages since we’ve seen you.
you 2000: I’ve been doing a government sponsored survey on "jams and preserves of the indigenous tribes of the south america’s"
you: sounds a bit nicer than the last one at least
you 2000: what? "fungal infections of the tundra". Oh no man that was a blast. Anyway, what have we here?
you: ach the big pansy has a touch of the cold so is away wallowing in self pity
you 2000: being melodramatic over a touch of the sniffles as usual?
you: got it in one.
you 2000: that man needs to grow a pair.
you: for sure. He’s such a freakin’ sap. Have you ever met the like?
you 2000: only the once, when I was on the "Canned meats of the polar regions" tour.
you: aye but he’d just had his b0ll0cks pickled
you 2000: aye, there was that.

Jul 28 2012

Saturday 28 July 2012: Snap,

I. Feel. Like. $hit.

So does Ghengis.


you: I feel great
me: oh pi$$ off.

Jul 27 2012

Friday 27 July 2012: Family portait.

Ok, it’s a bit hard to see us all. But we are there, reflected in the teapot.

Through to Sick Kids Hospital to get Ghengis harness adjusted. We went through a bit early and went for lunch at Hendricks. The main reason for going was to see if it was a one off bowl of near perfection that resulted in me awarding them 1st place in the world nacho rankings . It wasn’t. Once again the nachos were awesome. Once again though slightly too low a temperature on the chilli. I showed the owner my blip from last time and he knocked our drinks off the bill. Nice.

After the hospital we had a cuppa and some cake in the sun.

Ghengis is still full of the cold, and I am feeling like crap. Boo. Hiss.

Just getting ready to watch the olympic opening ceremony. It had better be freakin’ incredible for £50M.

you: oh so now it’s the "world" rankings? Not just "places you have been to"?
me: yeah I am the most influential nacho reviewer on the planet, so it may as well be the world rankings.
you: you’re the most idiotic nacho reviewer on the planet that’s for sure.
me: on the world stage of nacho reviewers I don’t know of any other competitor that takes cheese dispersion into account. Therefore they are amateur and their opinions must be taken with a pinch of salt.
you: aha, right. And does the fact you rarely go anywhere other than Edinburgh or Falkirk not put the entire rest of the planet at a bit of a disadvantage?
me: Not at all. If there are any chefs out there that think they make the best bowl of nachos then all they have to do is come over here and make me some.
you: oh they have to come to you?
me: well obviously. I can’t just go jetting off all over the world to eat nachos. It’s all about consistency. Something as simple as a change in altitude can totally throw off my taste buds.
you: you are freakin’ mental.
me: mmmmm. Nachos. Nachos……Nachos………….Nachos.

Jul 26 2012

Thursday 26 July 2012: For the last time.

It’s unlikely this scene will ever be seen on blip again. The feller-buncher is at work in the woods, the skyline is gonna be changing, at least until Ghengis is all grown up. That’s not to say that I won’t still be taking emergency blips out of the bedroom window though, it’s a view I like too much.

Watched Home and Away and Neighbours tonight while I was feeding baby, first time in a year I reckon. I knew everyone in Home and Away (who did Indy marry that it went wrong so quickly) but there were a few new faces in Neighbours. Andrew Robinson, the actor with the worst Scottish accent on earth still appears to be going strong though.

Also watched The Hotel Inspector. Alex, what were you thinking?! Those green trousers? Oh my giddy aunt!

Ghengis is full of the cold which is putting our trip to meet Little L in jeopardy which sucks.

you: go on then
me: what?
you: if "Andrew Robinson" has such a terrible Scottish accent, lets hear your aussie one.
me: g’day mate, chuck another shrimp on the barbie and crack open a cold one
you: terrible.
me: you great galah
you: better
me: NED!…… I can see the pub from here
you: perfect.

Jul 25 2012

Wednesday 25 July 2012: Tailwind

Sat out in the park with JJ for lunch, a bit of sunshine goes a long way to improving the mood in these parts. I deposited a few more Ghengis Wolf stickers too.

Jenelope came down tonight to help out a bit and made us tea. It smelled awesome….as I was dishing up it looked awesome…..then I noticed a distinct lack of meat. If you think travelling 2 hours on the train to come and cook tea for us using ingredients you have bought and paid for yourself, but neglecting to put any form of meat in is acceptable then you can think again! Oh, hang on, it’s delicious. You are excused.

I set the bike on the turbo trainer up in the back garden tonight. Just like when I’m in the garage the view didn’t exactly change much, but it was a lot better than staring at a brick wall. And best of all I had a tailwind so I flew.

you: You were on a stationary bike ya tool!
me: it’s all psychological
you: You were on a stationary bike ya tool!!
me: I’m sure it made a difference
you: I’m sure you’re an idiot. An ungrateful one at that.
me: I am extremely grateful. I was just surprised
you: and I’m surprised Jenelope didn’t slap you.

Jenelope and I have just had a sing along to The mooks of hazard : Lady at the bus stop.

Love it.

"I can’t believe you Tito, you’re freakin’ sick."

Jul 24 2012

Tuesday 24 July 2012: Tirade

Oz is back working in the office he was in before he left for oz. While looking for some space in the cupboards to store his stuff he found the remainder of his things from last time, his uni notes. Annotated not with useful additions and amendments but with doodles and drawings that will always be infinitely more interesting than notes on chemical engineering…… Of which this is one.

I have started sticking my Ghengis Wolf stickers to random things. The train this morning. A mates bike. A cash machine. I wonder how long they’ll last.

A brief visit to the boozer where apart from a couple of jars I got nothing but abuse, even by proxy, for my blip journal having got boring/dull/moany. That’s the second time in as many weeks I’ve had such complaints. Well screw you guys. You take a photo and try and write something amusing for over 860 days without a break. I don’t ask you to read it, I write it for me. Go back to yer red top rag, page three will probably have something to amuse you. It might even keep you occupied for all of 20 seconds. You don’t like it? Don’t read it. Simple.

you: woah! settle petal.
me: what. I’m pi$$ed off.
you: I’d never have been able to tell.
me: would you like some additional expletives? Would that help?
you: hmm. Not really.
me: good. ‘Cause mum reads this and she doesn’t like me swearing.
you: she reads it even though you make her sleep in a cupboard when she comes to stay?
me: IT’s NOT A ****** ****** CUPBOARD! AGGGGgggggghhhhhh

Jul 23 2012

Monday 23 July 2012: Little book of awesome.

Frustrating day at work.

Then tonight has been almost entirely spent trying to get Ghengis to settle. She wouldn’t take her bottle. She wouldn’t sleep. She wouldn’t stop grizzling. Tonight was the first night that I resorted to taking her a run in the car. First run didn’t work. Too sedate I think. So I went out a longer run and that worked….for five minutes.

Had a surprise parcel when I got home. Jenelope has had the sigil she painted for me for Ghengis turned into stickers. Can’t wait to start sticking them on to anything and everything.

you: looks like you didn’t wait
me: bah. Trust you to spot that
you: you couldn’t wait five minutes to get your blip done? You had to steam in there and spoil things
me: but, it’s stickers….
you: and?
me: it’s exciting.
you: eh, no it’s not.
me: so why does the packet have "ooh, sticky!" written on it?
you: for childish morons like you
me: do you want one?
you: …..yeah, go on…. ooh, sticky.

Jul 22 2012

Sunday 22 July 2012: Bridge

Out to get some wee dresses that Ghengis can wear over her harness. Two days in and she doesn’t seem to care at all that she can no longer move her legs. As expected it’s more of a pain for us. Washing the wee poppet is a hassle, as is changing her nappy. But it’s already getting easier so no doubt in a few more days it will be second nature. And best of all it hasn’t affected her sleep.

Quick wander in the woods with the buggy before the storm moved in. It’s pretty blowy and wet, hopefully it dries up before tomorrow or it’s gonna be another day with soggy shoes at work.

Just noticed my broadband has been upped to 60Mb/s at no extra cost. Woo hoo.

you: no extra cost?
me: aye. As in free.
you: except for what you already pay
me: well aye, obviously
you: which is?
me: ach I dunno. £60 a month for that and the tv
you: not exactly free at all then
me: well, no, I guess not
you: and I’m sure blip loads noticeably faster?
me: can’t say I’d noticed no
you: well worth the money then.
me: there was no money
you: let’s not start this again eh?

Jul 21 2012

Saturday 21 July 2012: What went wrong?

In the past we had a bottle of champagne every Friday night. Why? Because champagne Friday would just be a Friday without champagne obviously. This was our first attempt since the missus was pregnant. Fail Complete and utter fail. It’s not even champagne! And split between two it was barely a mouthful. It was, however, cheaper than a bottle of coke.

We watched "Despicable Me" this afternoon which Jenelope had bought for us. And we both thoroughly enjoyed it. I could do with a team of Minions, they seemed pretty handy.

Then dad popped in for some beans on toast on his way home from visiting Little L for the first time.

you: I didn’t know you had had a documentary made about you
me: ho ho ho.
you: I suppose that would actually have been called "Miserable git" though
me: what have I done to deserve the title of miserable today?
you: with one breath you say you had champagne every friday, with the next you are dishing up beans on toast for yer dad!
me: There was grated cheese on there too!
you: that still doesn’t make it ok. You managed to say "Minions" without doing the stupid dungeon keeper voice though. Have a gold star
me: "your minions are losing the battle"
you: give the star back. Thank you. Idiot.

Jul 20 2012

Friday 20 July 2012: Frogger

Took Ghengis through to the Sick Kids to get her hip checked out. She is now trussed up like a frog, but doesn’t seem to mind….so far. The staff were great. Really friendly, helpful and re-assuring. Then we went a wee wander in marchmont and had a coffee in the sun. I love that part of town

Just like this door, the street in today’s blip has some great memories attached to it. Every weekend I used to kip on the couch at FK’s house after a night on the town with Napoleon, the Teacher, and whoever else happened to be out. Then on sunday morning we’d get up and go to Cafe Politik for some overpriced porridge.

If we weren’t out then it was hour upon hour of Tony Hawks on ps2. Hour upon hour of Gran Turismo. Hour upon hour of drinking beer, listening to music, talking crap, and getting takeaway chinese from around the corner. Happy days.

you: are you sure you have any fond memories that weren’t drink fueled?
me: oh totally.
you: come on then?
me: well, there was this one time we were in le monde…
you: drink.
me: oh, yeah. Well there was this time at a stag do….
you: drink.
me: oh, yeah. There was this time we all went back to Beech Cottage…
you: sounding promising so far….
me: ….and ate a huge block of cheese while downing pernod and carlsberg and playing one sided ping pong
you: I rest my case.

Jul 19 2012

Thursday 19 July 2012: Workout.

I’ve done so much exercise today, I’m totally knackered. Started out by watching a documentary on Usain Bolt. Followed by some Tour de France. And now I have a documentary on Bradley Wiggins to watch.

The weather today was the opposite of yesterday. Blue skies, sunshine and warmth. My shoes still weren’t dry though.

you: eh…I’ve told you before that watching sport isn’t the same as taking part
me: well of course it’s not. Don’t be stupid.
you: so why are you claiming to be knackered?
me: because I reckon watching it probably uses about 75% of the calories that taking part would
you: oh yeah, of course, uh-huh. That sounds about right. Oh, eh, naw.
me: And I noticed that Usain Bolt has the same physique as me. Basically a six pack on top of 2 industrial pistons for legs
you: have you been on something the last couple of days? Your delusions and idiocy seem to have increased tenfold.
me: penfold? Wasn’t he the mole in danger mouse?
you: will you please just think before speaking and try and keep on topic?
me: I like jam.

Jul 18 2012

Wednesday 18 July 2012: Red shoes and rain

Her shoes were probably marginally better suited to the weather today than mine. In that hers probably dried out after an hour or two, whereas mine didn’t. I sat with cold wet feet all day. Miserable.

Watched a documentary about Vicroria Pendleton tonight. I pretty much just felt sorry for her. World champion 6 times, yet throughout the entire programme I don’t think she smiled once when talking about cycling. It just seemed like she was doing it for other people. And that’s why I’m glad I withdrew my entry to this years olympic cycling road race.

Little L was born to day, so I’m now an uncle, the missus is an aunt, and Ghengis has a wee cousin to bully play with. Awesome. Congrats K&K

Met honined for lunch. As usual he had the bottle to ask for a portrait of our waitress, which somehow ended up with him doing an impromptu photo session for the entire staff!

you: excuse me while I choke on my supper. You ‘withdrew‘ your entry to the olympics
me: yeah. I just felt like I was doing it for all the wrong reasons
you: For not the first, and probably not the last time I’ll ask, are you clinically insane?
me: not that I’m aware of.
you: well you certainly inhabit cloud cuckoo land
me: I am aware of it’s existence
you: more like you live above the chip shop on the high street
me: how dare you! I live in a fairytale castle with turrets and a laser perimeter fence and surface to air missiles on the roof and an infinity pool in the back garden
you: sometimes I think you ought to live in a padded cell.

Jul 17 2012

Tuesday 17 July 2012: A girl after her mammies heart

I have quite a lot of pairs of shoes. I don’t have many pairs that don’t leak.

The missus has a lot of shoes. Not that she’s been able to wear many of them for the last pile of months as they all have sky high heels.

And now Ghengis is making a start on her collection. I think she’s going to take the shoe collection crown by the time she is three.

My right hip hurts like hell at the moment. I think it’s a sign as to why it’s for the best that Ghengis is getting checked out.

The office was 27C today. Everyone that sits in the same area as me complains it is too hot. The first thing anyone that comes to talk to us says is how hot it is. Yet when the premises blokes come round they say it’s within the agreed temperature scales. Agreed with who exactly? Certainly not anyone that has to sit in it.

And K is in the early stages of labour. Woo hoo. Ghengis is gonna have a wee cousin. Hope it goes smoothly, good luck. x

you: you’d soon be complaining if it was too cold
me: what’s that got to do with anything? It’s too freakin’ hot
you: it’s not that bad!
me: it’s horrid. I don’t like it that hot when I am lying by a pool, never mind when I’m wearing my suit
you: I have a horrble mental image of you lying with sunburn in speedos
me: that’s your problem, not mine!

Jul 16 2012

Monday 16 July 2012: Imperfections

My new bike tyre seems to have a bit of a balance issue. That’s slightly annoying.

I can’t work out where the water is getting in to the garage. Was up on the roof and it was dry under every tile I lifted. That’s slightly perplexing.

It turns out my perfect wee Ghengis isn’t quite perfect. The docs are concerned about her left hip. Have to take her to the Sick Kids Hospital, and by the sounds of things she’s going to be in a Pavlik Harness. Poor wee bu99er. That’s more than slightly upsetting. She’s still perfect to me though.

To be honest if it means she doesn’t get sore hips when she’s older, like mine have been all day today, then it will be worth it. And she won’t remember a thing about it anyway. But it’ll be a shame if she has to miss out on bathtime, as she loves that.

you: hang on a minute, the other night you were saying your hips just click from time to time, now all of a sudden they’ve hurt all day.
me: awright awright I might have underplayed it a bit. My hips are $hit.
you: how kind of you to pass that on to your child
me: ach it might still be ok. Maybe it was just an over zealous doc that has referred her to sick kids.
you: well, fingers crossed. And getting it properly checked is for the best whatever the outcome
me: I know I know. But she won’t be able to wear her million cute dresses
you: I’m sure she won’t mind.

Jul 15 2012

Sunday 15 July 2012: Shroom

Gwak had to cancel the photo session I was going to do with his bairn as they were poorly. So seeing as all of a sudden we had a free afternoon we headed out to Beecraigs for a wander and a bit of lunch. Nachos starter was very nice. And the lasagne was really nice too

What I don’t understand though is why the proprietor doesn’t do something about the door that shakes the whole place every time it slams. And as it’s the door to the kitchen it slams every 30 seconds. Man it was annoying.

Got home, and seeing as all the studio kit was set up I took some photos of Ghengis.

you: and yet you’ve blipped a toadstool
me: what other option did I have?
you: eh, your wee lass?
me: ach it was a tough choice.
you: and yet a toadstool won.
me: what can I say? I see Ghengis every day, I don’t see toadstools every day
you: some dad you are. And I see you are still of the opinion you’d be the best proprietor of any form of establishment anyone cared to mention
me: well I wouldn’t let doors slam that’s for sure.
you: of course, and that’s all it takes to run a business. Idiot.

Jul 14 2012

Saturday 14 July 2012: Pegged

The washing machine was finally fixed today, which meant we could attack the mountain of clothes that Ghengis has pee’d, poo’d and barfed on over the last week. When the machine finished it was lovely and sunny, then I started to hang it all out to dry. There were so many tiny wee things that needed hung up that by the time I was finished it was raining.

Mapped out the garden so I can start having a think about what we’re going to do to make it slightly less of a death trap for a small child.

Caught up on "Bank of Dave" this morning. Loved it, hope he (dave fishwick) succeeds, he has a great character.

Then watched Mo Farrah beat The Cube, which was ace. £250k to charity, and he seemed like such a nice bloke too.

Oh, and it’s mum and dad’s ruby wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary x.

you: "mapped" out the garden?
me: yeah
you: "mapped"?!
me: yeah
you: you have a big rectangular area of gravel. I hardly think it needs a map
me: actually it runs off square by about 40cm over 20m
you: wow! 40cm, it’s a wonder you didn’t get lost. Did you have to use yer gps to find your way back to the patio door? Idiot.

Jul 13 2012

Friday 13 July 2012: "Look, ma heid is aff the flair"……..

…..Shouted Ghengis. Tummy time take 1.

The healthcare wifey was round again today to weigh Ghengis and give us other stats that we have absolutely no interest in hearing about. "She’s in the 75th percentile for length". I don’t give a flying fox, does she appear healthy?

After 7 weeks of eating like something that’s very good at eating, she is now the weight that the youngest swampling was at birth, 11lb 1oz. That seems slightly mental to me.

Out for a wander for an hour. And that was it.

you: look at the size of that girls head!
me: oi!
you: I’m not kidding it’s like an orange on a toothpick
me: shhh, you’ll give the girl a complex
you: well that’s a huge noggin
me: it’s just the angle of the photo and the way her hair has fallen out
you: it’s a virtual planetoid! It has it’s own weather system
me: just you watch what yer saying about my wee girl.

skip to 1:35

Jul 12 2012

Thursday 12 July 2012: The horses are on the tracks

Except they’re trains.

Ghengis had to go to get her hips scanned today. The scan wifey has said she needs to go and see the specialist because something isn’t quite right. I think it’s another case of too much information doing nothing but cause stress. The only reason she had to go for the scan was because in a passing comment to a doctor we had mentioned that my hip ‘clicks’ sometimes. Had that never been said she would never have had the scan, would have grown up fit and healthy, job’s a good ‘un. Instead we are now concerned and have to traipse around going to specialist units miles from home to (hopefully) be told all’s fine.

Yesterday was the first day since Ghengis was born that the missus had felt well. So typically today I am coming down with the lurgy. Not happy.

you: you never are
me: you have to admit it’s rather annoying though
you: I’m always admitting you are rather annoying. And surely it’s best Ghengis get’s checked out
me: aye, probably.
you: and apart from that she’s fit and healthy?
me: seems like it. Certainly giving the amount of splashing she was doing in the bath she has no issues moving her legs about
you: stop yer whining then. I know it’s hard for you, but please try.

Jul 11 2012

Wednesday 11 July 2012: Not a cupboard

Kind of enjoyed work today. Which was odd.

Ghengis slept more than me last night. 8hrs solid! Long may it continue.

In my life until now I had perhaps misplaced 2 bank/credit cards and had to have them replaced. Since Ghengis was born I have lost 3. Having to deal with her has turned my brain to mush. Either that or she has been stealing them. Managed to get one of them back today though. I had left it in the machine at the petrol station. They had a pile of at least 20 cards, ranging from driving licences to library cards, and a whole lost of bank cards. Who tries to pay for petrol with their library card?

you: are you kidding? You’ve got to be drunk again, or just plain stupid
me: what?
you: did you not get enough of a verbal kicking yesterday?
me: I was trying to show that it’s not as bad as everyone made out
you: you have made your mum kip on the floor, in a cupboard. The picture doesn’t help
me: but it’s not a cupboard!
you: you are still a total crab.

Jul 10 2012

Tuesday 10 July 2012: Mmm, yummy.

Colin accused me of being lazy seeing as tonight’s blip was (as is the norm) going to be the cowboy dude. So instead it’s some random with cool hair.

Big night at the boozer tonight. Napoleon and Esme, The Chemist and his missus, Oz, White Lightning, Colin and I. The usual inappropriate chat, random perusal of a fancy dress website, and at least 30 minutes of abuse directed at me because mum is kipping on the floor in a cupboard.

you: you have got to be kidding? Your mum comes up to help out for a few days and you make her sleep on the floor in a cupboard?
me: she’s not on the floor, she’s on a mattress
you: Oh how kind of you. But she’s still in a cupboard?!
me: She is not in a cupboard! She’s in the missus’ dressing room!
you: a cupboard!
me: no! It’s a full size room.
you: you live in a five bedroom house, why the frick have you put your mum in a cupboard?
me: it is not a freakin’ cupboard! And effectively we don’t have a five bedroom house
you: oh sorry, I forgot, you have a huge ’study’ and yer missus has a ‘dressing room’. That still leaves a spare bedroom, a ‘telescope and piano room’ , and a ‘music and reading room’
me: aghhhh, I’ve had enough of this.
you: yer mum even brought you traybake. You are a selfish barsteward. In fact I might go as far as to use the C word.
me: it wouldn’t be the first time that was directed at me tonight
you: you are a total crab
me: not quite the C word I was expecting.
you: you’re one of those too.

Jul 9 2012

Monday 9 July 2012: Here we go again…..

What feels to be round 1 million of the sterilise/prepare/feed process. Once again I fed Ghengis while watching "le Tour" highlights. Not sure what we’ll watch tomorrow as it’s a rest day for the riders. Maybe Ghengis will give us a rest day too. But I doubt it.

Mum has come up for a few nights though, so that’ll make life a bit easier for the missus. What it won’t make life easier for is my belt, as she brought a load of tray bake which I have proceeded to demolish.

I phoned home this arvo to see if the washing machine repair man had been. In the background I could hear the bairn gurgling and coo-ing. Instantly I no longer wanted to be at work. Didn’t really expect to feel like that. I do expect to be entirely glad to be at work if I ever phone home and she’s crying though.

you: you big sap!
me: what?
you: missing your baby. What a pansy.
me: I don’t care what you say. Just because you have no one or nothing in your life that you love
you: do so!
me: other than yourself
you: oh.

Jul 8 2012

Sunday 8 July 2012: Slipping standards

Ever since Ghengis came along the cleaning standards around here appear to have fallen off a precipice. The kitchen window sill shouldn’t look like this.

Watched the Murray/Federer final. I thought he had it there when Murray took the first set and Federer appeared to never have seen a tennis racket before. Alas Federer re-incarnated his inner tennis genius. There were some cracking rallies, I really quite enjoyed it. And nice to see that Murray has some emotions after all, there was even a bit of a smile. It’s always nice to see Kate Kate Katy Kate on telly too.

you: you cannot seriously be preparing baby food near that mess?
me: it’s ok, it’s dry dirt and cobwebs
you: and that’s ok in the rxs book of hygiene is it?
me: yup. If it doesn’t stink and can’t go mouldy then it’s clean.
you: uh-huh, that’s what I heard to. Oh no, hang on that’s not what I heard at all. Clean it up!
me: relax, it’s the garage. But the not stinking and can’t go mouldy rule still stands.
you: No it doesn’t. And please stop referring to HRH The Duchess of Cambridge as Kate Kate Katy Kate.
me: I can’t do it. That’s who she’ll always be to me
you: right up to the point they lock you up for being a stalker
me: no, I’ll carry on.

Jul 7 2012

Saturday 7 July 2012: Prey

In the old days cat’s used to hunt mice and voles and things like that. In this modern technological age though they have realised the value of power. Hence this morning I found Molly sitting on top of a pile of freshly caught D type batteries. Having now confiscated them I have realised that the reason she was able to catch so many is because they were almost flat, past their best, ready for the scrap heap. I didn’t tell her that though, it would just have upset her.

Watched the womens tennis final. It turned out to be much better than the first set suggested it would be.

And I think we have had a bit of a taste of the rain that has been lashing the rest of the country for the last 48hrs.

you: what are you wittering on about?
me: just the usual
you: cat’s hunting batteries?
me: how else would you explain it?
you: you left some old batteries on the couch and the cat decided to sit on them?
me: oh yeah, that would explain it too.
you: idiot

Jul 6 2012

Friday 6 July 2012: Fabrication

Watched the Murray/Tsonga semi final. Well done Murray. You would have thought he would have at least been able to crack a smile though. He may never have won a grand slam before, but he has got to be the world champion miserable git! I was on the verge of cheering for Tsonga. That dude smiled more in defeat than Murray did in victory.

The missus wanted somewhere to hang her hairdryer. So I made her this dressing table attachment out of some acrylic sheet. Cutting a circle larger than any of your hole saws out of a sheet of acrylic is a pain in the bahookie. In the end I bent a 6" nail into a 90deg Z shape, and fitted it in to the press drill and used it to carve through the sheet. Ingenuity A+. Health and safety F-.

you: pot : kettle : black
me: I assume you are referring to my comment about Murray being a miserable git?
you: indeed. It’s a bit rich coming from you
me: his misery skills put mine in the shade. He’s through to a guaranteed £575k, possible £1M, and he can’t even stick a smile on his face?
you: money can’t buy you happiness
me: it could get you a plastic surgeon to craft you a smile though.
you: and you "made" that? You cut a circle out of a sheet of plastic. Congratulations
me: pah! It’s not just a circle. It has a bit on the end to attach it to the table
you: oooh, impressive. Eh. Naw.
me: the missus liked it so I don’t care what you think.

Jul 5 2012

Thursday 5 July 2012: Tiny baffies….

…. for tiny toes.

Today was more of the same really. Eat. Sleep. Feed baby. Sterilise bottles. That was my day. Eat. Sleep. Bath. Cry. That was the baby.

Ghengis and I have got in to a routine of watching the days highlights of the tour de france from 10-11 while I feed her. I think she quite enjoys it. Though she was saying to me how sorry she always feels for the breakaway riders. I had to agree. Today they were out in the lead for over 190km, and weren’t caught and overtaken until the final 100m

And my £950 washing machine that was meant to last us forever has failed. After 2 months. Well pi$$ed off.

you: what the frick are baffies?
me: slippers
you: why didn’t you just say that then
me: because that’s not what I call them
you: and who was saying they feel sorry for the breakaway riders? The missus?
me: no, Ghengis
you: she’s not even 6 weeks old
me: she has telepathic super powers
you: eh, ok, maybe you’d best get some kip.

Jul 4 2012

Wednesday 4 July 2012: Cateracts

This wee fella was my first ever toy. So he’s 35 now. He’s got cateracts it would appear. Either that or he’s been scraped along the ground once or twice two often.

Got home and Jenelope had made our tea. Very tasty. Then she disappeared into the kitchen on the pretense of tidying up and appeared back having cooked a raspberry sponge from scratch. How she managed when I’m pretty sure all we had in the house was an egg, a tub of salt, and some bisto, I have no idea. Of course it was delicious too. When she said the ratio of sponge to raspberry was a bit off she wasn’t kidding. I think I had half a kilo of sponge and got a seed.

you: so when does she start?
me: who? what?
you: Jenelope as your live in nanny/chef
me: hmm, interesting you should say that, because what started as a jokey conversation between me and the missus was all of a sudden a "could we afford her" serious conversation. Jenelope the contract is in the post.
you: and it states she has to live in the garage?
me: obviously.

Jul 3 2012

Tuesday 3 July 2012: Is that a smile? Or trapped wind?

Jenelope arrived for the night to help oot and to see her wee niece. So I went out on the bike.

Negative: No boozer action
Positive: Beef stew on toast for tea

you: well that’s nice of you isn’t it?
me: what?
you: yer sis makes the effort to come all the way down the road and you bu99er off.
me: it was only for a wee while
you: aye your usual wee while that you claim will be 20mins and it turns out to be an hour
me: it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t get the new tyre on properly
you: there’s always some excuse. And beef stew on toast? You are manky.

Jul 2 2012

Monday 2 July 2012: Gone again

Got in to work to find that Eddie had finished his contract and was gone again, almost exactly a year after last time we had a leaving do for him! I had thought it was this week he was off. The only reason I knew he was gone was because his old running shoes were on top of his monitor with a white cross on them.

Ghengis is holding her head up a fair bit now which I like. Hopefully she sleeps a bit better tonight and tomorrow. Today was the missus first day on her own with her, and she was a right wee madam. Ghengis, not the missus.

you: How do you know he’s not dead and the shoe/cross was an act of mourning
me: it just wasn’t
you: or so you think.
me: no, I know. There was a leaving lunch. Which I missed.
you: some friend you are
me: I didn’t know it was on
you: have a think about what the reason for that might be eh…

Jul 1 2012

Sunday 1 July 2012: Foxy

Ooh. A trip to tesco.

you: is that it?
me: oh no, I went to maplin too
you: does the excitement ever stop?
me: no! I bought a solar trickle charger for the rx8 as the battery was flat again
you: solar?
me: aye.
you: you are aware you live in scotland right?
me: hmm, aye well I’m not convinced it’s working. We’ll see.